Are you ready for #Toddlerpocalypse ?


Here are 19 ways to get ready for your child's pending toddlerhood.

By Bunmi Laditan

  • Stock up on yoga pants and running shoes. You’ll need to dress like an athlete to keep up with your half-naked 25-pound track star.
  • Purge anything smaller than a Ping-Pong ball. To a toddler, her mouth is like a pocket for her face.
  • Keep 14 snacks in your purse to streamline the bribing process when you’re in line at Target.
  • Buy 40 birthday presents. This will last you through one year ofpreschool birthday parties.
  • Buy four large plastic storage bins to hold the 10,000 toys your child will own by age 3.
  • Start collecting coupons for stain-removal pens.
  • On a map, locate the three nearest Starbucks. Let them know you’ll be the slightly incoherent one in the drive-through line with the sound of screaming in the background.
  • Make sure your freezer is full of ice packs for any accidental injuries you sustain from your mini mixed-martial-arts champion.
  • Make triplicates of all your keys. Don’t ask why—just do it.
  • Buy stock in bleach. You’re going to wipe down more surfaces than a Denny’s waitress at lunchtime.
  • Rent a rodeo bull. Put a diaper on it. Keep trying. This is good practice.
  • Memorize the opening song to your kid’s favorite Disney Junior and Nick Jr. television shows. Misspoken lines will earn you wrath and scorn. Don’t mess up.
  • Get rid of all your nice clothes. To your toddler, your shirt is basically a giant paper towel.
  • Delete your contacts from your phone, but not before letting them know you’ll be connecting with them on Facebook and serving up 600 daily photos of your child.
  • Locate and discard every permanent marker in your home.
  • Invest in the smartphone case preferred by Navy SEALs. You’ll need one that can withstand a 40-mph stream of urine and being thrown from a moving vehicle.
  • Pre-address thank-you cards to Mr. Clean for his Magic Eraser.
  • Hoard boxes of Band-Aids for all of the fake boo-boos you’ll be treating.
  • Wine. All of the wine.